I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
