omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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