I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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