I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
