onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
