suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
