is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
