Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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