Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
