Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
