i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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