Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
