Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
