my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
