I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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