Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
