well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
