I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
