I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
