How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
