I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
