I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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