I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
