idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
