I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
