I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
