i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
