i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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