Define "chronic" masturbator.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
