Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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