Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
