there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
