Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
