remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
