The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
