If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
