I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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