My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
only you would photoshop your dick
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
