I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
