i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
