does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I need help removing her.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
