He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
