I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
