explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
