i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
