I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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