He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
