Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
