I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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