there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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