I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
