dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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