i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
